Le Sigh the France

Ok, folks. Let's - for a minute - forget that cycling enjoys the same societal acceptance as two-armed outdoor onanism at the moment and that some psychopathic Texan just took an explosive crap all over the sport, while the man supposed to run it doesn't realized that he's also completely full of it. Let that all be little details to worry about later, because:

The ASO has presented next years Tour de France. Hosianna!

Now let's for a moment assume that cycling will not have sunken so deep that next year's Tour will be broadcast on the Porn Channel with an X-rate and we all have to pay for it in shady roadside Motels. Let's just assume it will return on Eurosport or any other channel in countries where pro-cycling hasn't  been outlawed or throughly bumfucked yet.

Let's have a look at it, shall we? Let's start with the good things.

1. The profile

While this year's tour was tailor made for Sky's poster boy Mr. Ridiculous Sideburns, next year's tour will most likely see Froome in the team leader's position (assuming he hasn't confessed to some chemichal misdeeds by then). The time triallists will be utterly disappointed with it. There are three time trials, but they could be won by just about anyone who has good legs that day.
The first one is a team event and it's only 25km long, although I'm not sure the word 'long' is really applicable here. So at least it won't be wreaking havoc in the GC as earlier such events have done in Tours past.
The second one is 33km long and will probably be just about long enough to favour the big engines - Sideburns, Froome, Spartacus or Martin (if he somehow manages to stay on his bloody bike next year)
The third one is a humdinger. 32km mountain timetrial. 12km of climbing in it. If any of the Schlecks, Froome or Contador should still be unbanned by the time, one of them will nick that one. Just think about it - a Schleck could actually not suck donkeyballs in a time trial. That alone is worth my time.

Sorry mate, have run out of good things to make up so there be a RANT.

What in the name of all that's holy were Prudhomme and his cronies smoking? They nail it spot on with reducing timetrial distance and then completely fuck it up by placing them in all the wrong places. Why isn't the team time trial the opening stage? The way they have constructed the route, the bloody jersey will go directly to a sprinter sissy - most likely to Mark Horseteeth, because he's psychopathic enough to simply wreck the others, like he did in last years Tour de Suisse.
The first week of a Tour has always been utter boredom to begin with: Some poor idiots waste a perfectly usable day of their life out in the wind, while we see a mad dash at the end between 7 guys trying to kill each other even harder than the day before. It's called a sprint stage and bores the raw shit out of me. But at least we always had a bit of entertaining watching if one of the sprinter ladies would manage to claw back enough time on the prologue winner to be in yellow for a day before it went to a man, who's name has been stricken from existence lately. Next year it will go to the lady boy right away. *sigh*

Then there be the third, the mountain time trial, which one would expect on the penultimate day, setting up an epic showdown between whoever hasn't confessed to or been busted for doping yet. But, no, that would make entirely too much sense. There are thee more mountain finishes to follow it. Monsieur Prudhomme, if that what thee smoked this morning art legal, send me some of that shit.
In one foul swoop, he shafts viewers and barroudeurs alike. The users, because the GC contenders will ride half-arsed to avoid being burnt out on the last three finishes. And the barroudeurs (that be folks like Jens Voigt, the one hundred eleventy year old V8 engine from Berlin), because they don't get a chance to grab a stage in the last week.

Seriously ASO, you guys suck donkeyballs.